


Doubt is Contagious

by Rebel_Atar



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Jesus Christ Superstar 2012, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7538920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebel_Atar/pseuds/Rebel_Atar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a night of celebrating Judas is pensive and Jesus has had a little more to drink than was probably wise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unexpected Affection

**Author's Note:**

> Helpwhatwhy on tumblr requested alcohol and angst. Here you go.

It had been a long night. A good night really. It was warm and the night air smelled like summer and humidity. The protest they’d held today had been very successful, more so even than usual, and the camp was celebrating. Judas had been drinking for a while but his tolerance for that sort of thing was quite high so he was only feeling a little bit hazy around the edges rather than actually drunk. Jesus on the other hand seemed to really be knocking them back tonight. Judas was a little worried. Jesus was a bit of a light weight and he was bound to have a hangover in the morning. He was all for celebrating their successes but it wasn’t like Jesus to drink this much.

 

Judas sighed and turned away. There was no point in intervening. It was far too late now and he’d been doing his best to distance himself lately. He’d come to the startling realisation that he was in love with their leader and while he knew Jesus would never return his feelings at least he had their friendship, at least he was one of the closest to the so called messiah.

 

The only problem with that was that being close to Jesus had a tendency to mean being  _ really _ close to Jesus. He was very physically affectionate. Normally he didn’t have a problem with that and he really didn’t want to have a problem with it now but he didn’t want the opportunity to fool himself into thinking it was something else. He also didn't want to risk a different type of problem becoming noticeable which, with tight jeans and a tactile messiah it was really only a matter of time before he embarrassed himself.

 

So he pushed him away, over and over. Distanced himself as much as he could but Jesus just kept trying. It was, on the one hand, wonderful that he cared so much but on the other completely frustrating.

 

Whilst he had been sifting through his thoughts Jesus had meandered over somewhat unsteadily. Judas was brought out of his contemplation by a languid messiah sliding onto his lap. Sometimes Judas wondered if the universe were capable of reading his mind and producing the most hopelessly aggravating circumstance based on what he was thinking. 

 

“Um...hi?”

 

“Mmmm. Hi Judas.”

. 

Jesus rubbed his cheek against Judas’. His arms coming over his shoulders and around his neck as he out right snuggled against him. Judas sat there, in shock and unsure what was the expected course of action in this situation.

 

“Are you...feeling okay?”

 

“Yeah. I feel really good.”

 

Jesus was still rubbing against him. It was oddly cat-like but not exactly unpleasant. Jesus pulled back a little to look Judas in the eye for a moment before smiling and leaning back in, pressing their lips together.

 

Oh. Oh fuck. He was kissing him. Jesus was actually kissing him and god it was so good.

 

Judas moaned and kissed back. He didn’t let it continue for long before he realised what he was doing. Jesus was drunk, he was taking advantage. Jesus would regret this in the morning. He should stop him. 

 

Somewhat reluctantly he pulled away. Jesus let out a whine and tried to chase after his lips but Judas kept him at distance.

 

“Shhh it’s okay baby it’s okay. When your sober, yeah?” He winced a little from the pet name slipping out but also from the lie. He knew Jesus wouldn’t want this when he was sober.

 

“But I want you now.” He pouted. It was adorable, at any other time Judas might have teased him about it.

 

“I know.” Said Judas, “I know.” He wanted him now, but in a few hours that would fade and Judas would be alone again. A friend to him and nothing more. If he gave in now it would ruin their friendship and then he’d have nothing at all. It wasn’t worth it. Even if he wanted it more than anything else in the world.

 

“No.”

 

Judas brought his mind back to the present at the word. He looked at Jesus, confused. “I’m sorry?”

 

“No.” He said again. “You  _ don’t  _ know. You’re sad again. I made you sad, I don’t want to make you sad.”

 

“Hey now you didn’t make me sad.” 

 

“Yes I did. I want you and it makes you sad.” Jesus looked torn up by the knowledge. The fact that it could be so far removed from the truth didn’t enter his mind. He had told Judas he wanted him, shown him and now he was upset again. It was his fault.

 

“No, Jesus, it’s not like that.” 

 

“I shouldn’t have done this.”

 

“Jesus…” Judas didn’t understand. He didn’t know what to say to make this better without giving himself away.

 

“I wanted to so badly but I was so scared.” Jesus threaded his hands through his own hair, looking distressed.

 

“Jesus?” Now he was very confused. He hadn’t thought Jesus was scared of anything.

 

“So I thought maybe...Maybe I could be a little braver...like this. I thought….I thought it would be okay. I thought…..never mind.” His voice shook as he spoke, with those last words he made to stand up but Judas grabbed onto him.

 

“Hey no, stop, don’t leave its okay.”

 

“No Judas it’s not. It’s not okay and it’s never going to be and I’ve wrecked everything and-” He interrupted himself with a sob, tears beginning to drip down his cheeks. Judas felt his heart wrench in his chest and panicked.

 

“No, no, no, you haven’t. You haven’t wrecked anything, come here. No don’t stand up, come  _ here. _ Hey look, I’ve got you, I’ve got you and everything will be okay, don’t cry baby I’m here.” He pulled Jesus back down when he made to stand up again. Pulled him into his arms and held him there.

 

“Judas…”

 

“Shhh, just hold onto me. Just stay here. Let me hold you, just….just let me have this.” He almost whispered the last part, still half afraid to voice it. He didn’t want to encourage something Jesus would regret later but it felt to good to hold him. To comfort him for once. 

 

They stayed like that for a while. Judas rubbed Jesus’ back and gently stroked his hair until he calmed, sobs gradually stopping. 

 

“What was all that about? What are you scared of?”

 

Jesus sniffed, face still buried in Judas’ shoulder. “You.”

 

“Me? Why?” Now he really was curious. What could he have done that their leader was scared of him. He certainly never acted like he was scared of Judas.

 

“I….”

 

“Yeah?” He prompted.

 

Jesus sighed. “I want you.”

 

“I know, you said.” Said Judas, humoring him.

 

“No, Judas. I  _ want _ you. All the time. I want to be next to you, want to be closer than it’s possible to be, want to hold you and kiss you and….love you.” He took a deep breath feeling the tears coming again. “But….you’re my friend.”

 

Judas stilled. No. This wasn’t happening. There is no way this was actually happening. It was impossible. The chances of this being real were astronomically low.

 

“And you don’t feel that way about me.” Jesus clung onto him now, trying not to sob again. Judas was frozen in a state of shock. How the fuck was this happening.

 

“Because every time I try to get closer you push me away.”

 

Judas was literally doing that for Jesus’ own good because he didn’t feel that way about Judas. What the actual fuck was going on.

 

“So I thought maybe, like this, you might let me get closer. Might let me show you...how I feel. But you still won’t. You don’t want me-”

 

“Don’t you  _ ever _ say that again.”

 

Jesus pulled back to look up at Judas in confusion.

 

“Do you have any idea, no of course you don’t.” Judas shook his head if what Jesus had just said was true, and he certainly seemed to believe it was right now, there was no reason to hold back now. It would only hurt the both of them more if he did. “Jesus you’re all I think about. I want you so much, more than I have words for, I need you more than I need to breathe.”

 

“But you keep pushing me away.”

 

“You’re drunk.”

 

“I  _ know _ .”

 

“No you don’t!”

 

“Judas?”

 

Why couldn’t Jesus just understand. “You deserve better than this.”

 

“...what?”

 

Judas took his face in his hands. “You deserve better than this. You deserve your first time to be something you actually remember, not something you did when you were drunk because you thought it was the only way to get me of all people. Jesus….”

 

“But I don’t want it to be anyone else.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be, will you actually listen to me.”

 

Jesus bit his lip.

 

“Just...wait. Just a little longer. You’ve waited so long already I know but just wait just a little longer baby.”

 

Jesus sniffed, another tear dripped down his cheek. Judas brushed it away softly and leant in to give him the most gentle kiss he was capable of.

 

“If you really meant it, about wanting me, about needing me, that you think about me all the time? Come back to me tomorrow. Come to me when you’ve slept this off yeah? Come to me with all of you, not just whatever instincts you’re running on right now. Can you do that for me?”

 

“I...yes but...I don’t want to go.” Jesus voice shook, he curled into Judas, head resting on his shoulder again. Judas stroked his hair.

 

“Okay sweet thing, guess we can compromise then.”

 

Judas lifted him up, Jesus clung on tighter, legs wrapped around Judas’ waist. Judas carried him to his tent, laid him down gently. He looked beautiful, eyes half lidded, hair fanned out beneath him. The tear tracks down his cheeks caused Judas heart to jolt in his chest. He’d caused that, through a misunderstanding but they were still his fault.

 

Jesus reached up and gripped his wrist. “Don’t leave me.”

 

Judas thought his heart might actually shatter at that. How had he fucked this up so badly that the man he was in love with thought he might leave, thought the only way to get Judas attention was to throw himself at him when he was drunk.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.” He lay down beside him. “I’m going to stay right here. Right here till the morning okay? Then we can talk about this properly alright?”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise.” He pulled Jesus against him, watching as he clung desperately and hopefully to him until the emotional exhaustion and the alcohol slowly pulled him under to sleep.


	2. Hangover's Suck

Jesus had clung to him all night, seemingly scared even in sleep that judas was going to leave him. 

 

Judas kept him close, stroked his hair and did the best he could to comfort him as he slept until he dropped off to sleep himself.

 

When morning came they were still tangled up in each other. Judas woke first, looked at his phone, cursed silently at the time and the fact his tent didn’t do much to block out sunrise and went back to sleep.

 

The next time he woke it was to a soft moan of pain and Jesus clinging tighter to him. Judas stroked a hand through his hair again. Hangover’s sucked, he could sympathise. Jesus looked up a little as he did blinking in the light, face drawn up in pain. It cleared a little when he recognised Judas.

 

“You stayed.”

 

Just like that Judas felt like his heart broke for this man all over again. 

 

“I promised didn’t I?” Judas swallowed thickly, nervousness seeping back in now Jesus was awake. “How...uh, how much do you remember?”

 

Jesus groaned and buried his face back in Judas shoulder. “I remember that I was an idiot.”

 

Judas tensed. It was what he had expected, of course. In the light of day Jesus realised that his feelings from the night before had been the wine talking, nothing else. 

 

“I remember that I cried all over you.”

 

Judas let out a breath, if that was what he thought was the worst thing that happened things might not be quite as bad as he thought.

 

“I remember telling you how I feel.” Jesus’ voice was soft now, wistful and sad. “I remember that I kissed you...and you pushed me away.”

 

Judas swallowed and ran a shaking hand through Jesus’ hair again. He couldn’t bear to hear him sound sad. Did he really mean that was really how he felt.

 

“I remember...I remember that you said you needed me. More than you needed air to breath.” He pushed himself up on one elbow so he could look at Judas properly.

 

Judas found himself frozen again.

 

“Is that true, Judas.” His voice was breathy and longing as he said Judas’ name and Judas couldn’t help the shiver that ran through him.

 

“Do you really need me, want me? I remember,” Jesus sat up more fully, “I remember that you told me to come back when I was sober. If I meant it.”

 

Judas nodded shakily. “You were drunk. I didn’t want to take advantage of you. I...I didn’t want-”

 

“You didn’t want it to be a mistake.”

 

Judas nodded in response, unable to look away.

 

“Well I’m still here and I’m sober. Hungover, but still sober.”

 

“A-and?”

 

Jesus leant down and gently pressed his lips to Judas’ in a kiss. It was brief, chaste, but Judas still found himself gasping.

 

Jesus pulled back enough that he could look Judas in the eyes again. “I still want you. I think...I think I’ve always wanted you.” 

 

That was it. That was enough for Judas, he couldn’t take another word. He pulled Jesus back down against him and kissed properly. Deep and passionate, pouring all his heart into it. Eventually they broke apart, the sound of them both catching their breath the only noise.

 

Judas broke the silence first. “It’s true.” Jesus looked at him, waiting for him to continue. Needing to hear the rest.

 

“I want you. I  _ need _ you. More than air, more than  _ anything _ . But you deserve so much better than me-”

 

“No. I deserve exactly you. And that is all I want. Just...you.”

 

Judas heart couldn’t take this. Too many ups and downs in too short a time. Jesus pulled him close as he processed everything. Last night Judas had comforted him, kept him safe. This morning he would repay the favor. They lay like that for a while, drinking in the other’s presence. Savoring the feeling of finally,  _ finally _ , being in each other’s arms. 

 

“You know what else I remember?” Jesus said after a while. Judas could hear the smirk in his voice.

 

“What?”

 

“You called me baby.”

 

Judas groaned. “Oh god.”

 

“You called me sweet thing.” Jesus sounded smug.

 

“No. I’m not dealing with this.”

 

“Judas.”

 

“It’s too early.” He buried himself as much as he could under the blanket still covering them both.

 

“How long have you been giving me pet names without telling me?”

 

“Nope.”


End file.
